The high I receive from cutting is... wonderful. Crippling. Sometimes necessary.
Mom doesn't understand what I'm saying when I try to voice how I'm feeling right now. She gets mad at me for getting frustrated. This makes me feel guilty because... I'm making my mom sad during this very stressful time. I try to explain... it doesn't go through.
I swear its amazing... the feeling I get from cutting... just seeing those little beads of blood develop on the right arm... in the nook that won't show with a t-shirt on... pain diminishes even though I know I'll cry tonight. But cutting makes me feel like I can handle tonight's upcoming cry fest.
I take my knife and make the first cut. Mistake because I do it on the forearm where it can't be hidden. That won't work - people might see. so i make the next cut near the crook of the elbow. swipe the blade fast and watch the cut appear. beautiful. that red line begins to calm me. its a good location so i make my next cut near that one. very nice. one more cut is sufficient. i put the blade away. no one caught me in the act so this was successful. i lay back against the pillows and let the feeling wash over me. eyelids droop. thoughts become impaired. i feel... numb. i feel heavy. thinking becomes ... unnecessary. i've had too many bad thoughts today - i need a break.
the sting of my little cuts as i bend my elbow soothe my tortured soul. yes, my little ones, i feel your comfort. i don't want to cry tonight. i don't want to sob and deal with the possible loss. i can't even imagine what it would be like to only have a mother.
dad can't leave us.
and i can't think of how i'll cope without a blade.
she says i'll break her heart if i cut. what about my aching heart that's already broken?
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