Time Flies...

I decided to revisit my old blog and WOW! I'm glad I chronicled what I was going thru with Dad's illness - it seems like forever since it happened.

People ask if it gets easier to deal with Dad's death... I don't think it necessarily gets easier... you just learn how to shut it out more. You learn how to NOT think about it.

We're coming up on the 2 yr anniversary of his death. Love ya, Dad. Miss ya, Dad. But you raised me well enough that I can handle life and deal with problems. Plus, I have an awesome husband to help me along.

11.46

This week is passing by fast and I'm panicking a little bit because Dad still hasn't woken up and I have to go back to work on Monday.

No changes for Dad today. He's capable of breathing on his own, heart rate is steady, had to have dialysis today. I held his hand today and said, "Dad, I'm holding your left hand. Can you feel that? Can you move your fingers?" At first I thought I felt something, but then realized that it was just his pulse going faster in his fingers. I didn't think this was anything but Grannie said it actually was. A faster pulse in response to something I did is a good sign. He may not be capable of moving right now, but a faster pulse shows he's at least trying. I'm going to test this out tomorrow.

I was exhausted today. I think we all are. You wouldn't think that sitting in a hospital all day would wear you out, but it does. It emotionally sucks the life out of you. You're surrounded by sick and dying people - especially in the ICU floor. And you see their family members go through the same thing you're going through and it. just. sucks.

I think we go through cycles. I felt hopeless this morning. But as I stared at Dad and thought about everything that's been going on, I felt better. It is still hard to see him in that bed, but sometimes it gets easier. I keep myself busy by massaging his swollen hands, arms, and feet. I talk to him, I cry to him, I pray. I read and hold his hand, watch tv with him. I just... exist with him. Because I don't know how much longer I'll have him around.

When I first married Chris, I wrote my dad a letter talking about how much he means to me. I'd like to find that letter and read it to him again.

We keep hearing stories of people surviving a coma like Dad. We have to hope that can happen to Dad as well. It just might take awhile...

12.24 am

The high I receive from cutting is... wonderful. Crippling. Sometimes necessary.

Mom doesn't understand what I'm saying when I try to voice how I'm feeling right now. She gets mad at me for getting frustrated. This makes me feel guilty because... I'm making my mom sad during this very stressful time. I try to explain... it doesn't go through.

I swear its amazing... the feeling I get from cutting... just seeing those little beads of blood develop on the right arm... in the nook that won't show with a t-shirt on... pain diminishes even though I know I'll cry tonight. But cutting makes me feel like I can handle tonight's upcoming cry fest.

I take my knife and make the first cut. Mistake because I do it on the forearm where it can't be hidden. That won't work - people might see. so i make the next cut near the crook of the elbow. swipe the blade fast and watch the cut appear. beautiful. that red line begins to calm me. its a good location so i make my next cut near that one. very nice. one more cut is sufficient. i put the blade away. no one caught me in the act so this was successful. i lay back against the pillows and let the feeling wash over me. eyelids droop. thoughts become impaired. i feel... numb. i feel heavy. thinking becomes ... unnecessary. i've had too many bad thoughts today - i need a break.

the sting of my little cuts as i bend my elbow soothe my tortured soul. yes, my little ones, i feel your comfort. i don't want to cry tonight. i don't want to sob and deal with the possible loss. i can't even imagine what it would be like to only have a mother.

dad can't leave us.

and i can't think of how i'll cope without a blade.

she says i'll break her heart if i cut. what about my aching heart that's already broken?

9:41pm

...

I'm feeling down...

I'm hopeful today. I think I have to be. It's too tiring to be sad. I woke up with new hope, which is something I haven't had in a long time.

Last night one of Mom's friends shared a story of her daughter who was in a coma. Doctors told them that her daughter wouldn't live again. She is now a normal, healthy person. I have to believe that and think it might happen to Dad too. He couldnt have been brought back just to be a vegetable. Anyway, tons of people have called Mom and told her similar stories of people in Dad's position that are now healthy, happy, normal people. I HAVE to believe he'll be healthy and normal soon. I'm tired of thinking otherwise.

And Mom said that we will keep trying and keep him alive as long as he has brain activity. We won't give up until doctors say he doesn't have any brain activity. That may take days or months but we're not going to give up on him until he's braindead. We owe that to him.

I left work yesterday and told them I wouldn't be back until Monday. They are completely supportive of me and are making sure I am taken care of financially during this time. I am extremely grateful for them. I came back to San Antonio to be with Mom, Dad, and my brother. When I left on Monday afternoon, I felt like I was abandoning them. So I'm here now to be there for them.

I cried on the way to San Antonio. I prayed. I remembered things about Dad that I love. Mom asked me to stop by their house and pick up his iPod - we were going to play music for him to see if that helps. When I got to the house, I started going through Dad's stuff. Just touching things that are his. Smelling his cologne. Laughing at how none of his socks are unmatched - he hated missing socks. As I looked through his things, I found his gun. I really struggled with that. I later told Mom to hide the gun - I don't want to be tempted like that.

I brought his iPod to the hospital but it wouldn't work. So I pulled out mine and selected Janis Joplin. When I was a kid, Dad shared her music with me, so I felt it was right to share it again with him. He got the left earbud, I got the right. I laid my head next to his, held his hand, and we listened to Joplin for about 2 hours. I cried, I prayed, I talked to him. But sharing the music with him was a very beautiful experience. I want to sit with him and listen to her again - only with him awake and healthy. I want him to tell me that he remembered when I played music for him and how he enjoyed the experience.

Today Mom and I spent time with Dad. We gave him a small washcloth bath, then Mom read all the get-well cards that he received and I massaged his hands and feet. I was able to get more circulation to his hands so the swelling went down and they were warmer. I was able to uncurl the fingers and warm them up. Mom said they looked much better.

I have to stay positive.

That is how I feel today.

Time Travel Dream

Last night I dreamed that I traveled back 20 years. I saw my parents, extended family, and dog Buppy. I said hello to everyone, even gave my cousin Sean some advice for the future ("Don't knock up that girl.") The most memorable part of the dream was seeing my Aunt Bonita. She died unexpectedly about 10 years ago. In my dream, she gave me a big hug and I remember she was very tall. Taller than me as an adult as she was when I was a child (the last time I saw her).

Aunt Bonita gave me a big hug and said, "I know that I will die without getting to say goodbye. Please know that I love you and your sister very much. Please tell her this."

The dream went on but when I woke up, I felt the message from my aunt was very important. I texted my sister shortly after I woke up and let her know.

I felt that this dream was very important and I know the details will slip away as the day goes on. This is my way of preserving something that I feel is very important.

I'm not sure what I think happens after death or anything supernatural... but I felt this dream was more than just a dream... I'm not one to think or dream about time travel often. Did I eat something weird before bed? Did I hear something that inspired my mind to come up with this? Or was there something more that my feeble brain can't wrap around.

I'll never know.

Sorry, Dude

Part of my job as a sales tax auditor is to begin an audit, work on it in the field for 3 days, and then give the taxpayer a list of things I need them to do for our next meeting (usually 2-4 weeks later). I had already completed the initial fieldwork for this week's audit a few weeks ago and returned yesterday to look at records I had requested. This time was different, though.

I drive up to the parking lot and notice I'm practically the only car there! I walk inside and the owner of the company is the only guy in the building. He says that things have been slow and he's lost a lot of business (gas prices forcing people out of Hutto). Turns out he had to let a lot of people go!

So I start looking at records and setting up errors as I go along. I get up to use the restroom and pass by the breakroom... HE SOLD HIS FRIDGE!!! This guy is in bad shape! I reviewed records yesterday and finished up today. When I entered all errors into my program and got the amount of tax due, my jaw drops.

Are you ready for this? He owes........

$375,000 in tax!!!!

I haven't told him yet because I'm waiting for a few more things. With stuff like this, you have to be careful about telling them what they owe. If you scare them, they won't cooperate and it makes your job a lot harder. So I'll meet up with him again in a few weeks, finish up, and give him his bill. Oh, that's going to be a hard day.

And the thing is I really do feel bad! This is a nice guy and I'd hate for him to lose his business! But he should have paid attention to tax rules that apply to his business. Plus he's had a very high turnover rate so that probably plays a factor. But, still... damn.

I keep wondering if I set up something wrong. Maybe they're not errors. Maybe I'm just looking at it wrong. Maybe he has some kind of certificates on file that prove he's taxing correctly... but I just don't see it.

I feel bad and I really hope he can pull through this. And I wonder if he'll be able to lower that amount.

Stress

I am SO STRESSED about work. There's so much to do and I don't know if I'll get it all done tomorrow. I need to turn in JM but before I can do that, I have to make a few changes. I need to review final documentation for RC and turn that in. I need to call KD and make an appt. And the biggest stressor (and has been for awhile): I need to generate two samples and pull lists for PCM. There's also a different audit that I need to work on but that can wait if need be. The biggest stressor is PCM. When I showed up to begin the audit, he didn't have anything ready. The problem with that is I'm booked two months in advance with other audits. So I haven't had time to work on his stuff - been too busy with other audits. But the deadline is quickly approaching and I need to get this done.

And vacation starts this Saturday but I was hoping to have Friday off. Won't happen if I can't get all of this done, though. I'll be in the office tomorrow and possibly Thursday. If I can get the above stuff done then, I'll be in good shape. My fear, though, is that I won't. Ugh, this is frustrating. And I worked all weekend. I had Sat, Sun, and today off - but worked all three days at home. I took this job so that I could just have a guaranteed 40 hrs a week. But here I am working way over the 40 hr mark. And mgt would tell me to not do that. Hell, everyone tells me not to do that. But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT DO THAT!!! I NEED SOMEONE TO SHOW ME HOW TO BE QUICKER IN MY AUDITs!!! I'm hoping that Tanyika will be able to help me in that area. I just feel like I'm so far into it that I'm supposed to know by now.

I don't know what I'm going to do. When I'm working I'm thinking about how I shouldn't be working at home, but when I try to relax, I just think about working. This stress makes my head hurt.

I just have so much pressure to do the right thing in every part of my life. Be the best auditor, the best wife, have the cleanest home and the healthiest & happiest pets. Get all my work done during the given 40 hrs/week. Eat the right things. Take all my meds and vitamins. Understand all the tax rules. And on top of that, I have to exercise!!!!! How am I supposed to do all of that??!

... I thought that blogging this would help me feel better. But it hasn't. I don't know what to do. Can someone please give me a lobotomy and let me hide under a rock?

What can it be?

So I went to the doctor today. While discussing my general health, I give her the test results from the adrenal test. She looks it over and says that it sounds like I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. She doesn't want to diagnose me until I see an endocronoligist (sp?). Shit. But before I can see that specialist, she wants me to take some medication for it... you know, just in case. Prescribes me some medication for that and refers me to a specialist. Then we're talking about my stressful job and everything. Ooh, looks like I should be on antidepressants again. Prescribes me Wellbutrin. Oh, and since I've had a few panic attacks w/in the last year, she prescribes me klonopin as well. I'm going to be a walking medicine cabinet before too long.

Part of me feels hopeful. I've been very tired, have been unable to lose weight (no matter what I try) and have been feeling all around shitty for awhile now. So if there's a pill (or two) that will fix these problems, hell yeah give them to me!

But then there's also something to say about over medicating America. Didn't Michael Moore do a movie about that? I want to get better, but is medication the only way? I'm a natural girl. I'm of the mindset that a few more fruits and veggies and maybe an herb here and there should help me out. But then I might be wrong.

I have two voices - that of my doctor and that of my naturalist therapist/nutritionalist. Who do I listen to? What kind of side effects will this medication have in ten years? Am I lengthening or shortening my life by taking this medication? What kind of horrible side effects will I have in a week?

I just want to feel normal.

Dysfunctional

Dear Mom,

Every time I see you or talk to you, I feel like a shitty person And I'm happier when I don't see or talk to you. I think that's a sign.

Wow

It is hard to only eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Why is that? Have I really become so ignorant of my own body that I can't listen??

We medicate and ignore our own needs... why is that? Maybe we want to be fucked up. Maybe we have this self-defeating attitude. Maybe we're just weird.

Either way, I'm working very hard to listen to my body's hunger signals. Your body will tell you what it needs -- you just have to listen.

It was hard tonight... I was full. Pushed my plate away (with uneaten food tempting me to gorge myself). And Chris, after eating his entire meal, goes and gets an ice cream cone. My mind thinks: why can't I have an ice cream cone? Why can't I enjoy my entire meal?

That's going to be one of the harder things for me to accomplish: being okay with my body and ignoring what other people eat or do. If he's still hungry, he should be able to keep eating. And if he's overeating, he'll have to deal with that himself.

But that brings up something else: his health. I worry about him. I don't want him to have a heart attack (family history of heart probs) or end up in the hospital for other issues that could have been prevented. I've asked him many times to get a physical. Oh, he says he'll do it later... never happens. I worry, but will be pissed if he ends up in the hospital for an easily preventable ailment.

I guess I love him. Go figure.

Update

So yesterday I worked on eating by listening to my body and nothing else. Didn't count points or calories. It went pretty well. Felt like a lot of stress had been lifted. Only problem was that I couldn't have caffeine all day since I was taking an adrenal test. THAT was hard! By 7:00pm I was about ready to crash. I fell asleep on the couch when I got home from work and was in a DEEP sleep! Then after the hubby and I watched tv, I fell asleep again!

This morning I woke up to a headache from hell. Drank a chai latte but didn't help that much. I may end up just going to starbucks and getting my iced vanilla latte. Those things invoke a happiness that I can't describe. You know when you see a baby and its pooping its pants? You know that grin that it gets? Yeah, that's how I feel when I drink my vanilla latte. :) Pure bliss.

Anyway, back to the food. I did pretty well with listening to my body when eating. Didn't pig out on anything at work. Dinner was a little more difficult because I wanted to relax with food. But I think I still did pretty well. I'm hoping that if I keep this up, I will get over the fact that I can eat whatever I want and will start choosing fruits and veggies to eat.

I think what complicated the pm eating was the lack of caffeine. I needed something sugary to keep me awake. I still think I did pretty well.

Today will be another test. Will I overeat since I don't have work to keep me busy? I'm going to try my hardest to continue to listen to my body. Today is my meeting w/ my nutritionist. We'll talk about this stuff and I'll get more direction. Maybe set some goals.

... sorry I'm all over the place. That's how I feel today.

Test

So the nutritionist tells me I should try something... something revolutionary: don't count points or calories - just eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. Let your body tell you what you want to eat and how much.

Scary! Something so simple should be so easy... but it usually isn't. I'm going to try this for two days. Will update as it progresses.

Beginning

... How many blogs have I started? Journals, scraps of paper, notebooks, blogs... all of these have been started by me at some point. I write something hopeful, promising myself that I will write every day and become a better person in the process.

Doesn't happen.

I write a few pages, post a few entries, and then quit. A new blog or journal comes about and I start the process over again.

But isn't that how I live my life? I move from one diet to the next, hoping each one will have the answers. And the moment there's a problem, I ditch that diet and move on to the next. So now I'm working on sticking with a diet. Sticking with a solution. And that's hard!